For what is in a will?

I came to a sobering realization of my sin and incompleteness tonight.

No matter how much I contemplatively think about some of the more important issues, I still allow for some of my writings to be purely intellectual, hard-headed theological treatises. And it is no wonder that such writings serve as not edifications but as mere declarations of my self-righteousness, and for some of my readers, I'm sure -- pardon me if I discern incorrectly -- mere gratifications for their self-righteousness.

Hence, a broken, contrite heart is necessary for reading God's Word and writing about Him. On the other hand, we need discerning, critical minds when reading human works about God. Unfortunately, myself included, we often carry out the reverse procedures. We young theologians tend to welcome what others have to say (and that is necessary, at least to a certain extent), but often come to the Word itself with a hardened heart, and write about Him while still in that state. (Now, I am not claiming that this is always the case, and perhaps I am judging too quickly. But I've seen concrete examples of this, even in more mature theological works.)

But returning to the aforementioned realization (instead of rambling on about my 'attitude', or discussing heart motives of theologians)...

God proved me wrong in my own conviction about myself.

The weakness of human will is something that never ceased to amaze me, and it is the very personal reason why I believe in total depravity of man. But not until now did I realize the magnitude of the ambivalence, helplessness, and self-centeredness of my own will. How fickle of a creature am I? How treacherous and continually evolving! Oh, how woefully wicked and desperately self-seeking. If it weren't for God's Grace, could I have learned such a terrible fact by myself?

"The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds." (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

Often I was(/am/probably will be) judgmental of those with weak wills over trivial spiritual concerns. But now I realize that I am no different. Now I understand even deeper why Grace alone can save me. I thought I was a strong person. I always took pride in the strength of my will; but now I realize that, I cannot possibly put any faith in myself -- I suppose that precisely is the reason for the Gospel of Grace, eh?

Thank God for the Spirit who has made my own feebleness known to me. Thank God for saving me from this pit of hopeless despair that I created for myself. May the Spirit empower me to live in accordance with the Father's will, whether by day or by night. May the Father generate daily the saving faith within me to serve Him, and may He be glorified in my servitude to Him. Thank the Father, and thank my Christ and Lord, Jesus.

O to Grace how great a debtor daily I am constrained to be. Let Thy Grace, Lord, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.

"Make me know Your ways, O LORD; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day." (Psalm 25:4-5)

In Christ's most precious name.

Amen.