Not I, but the grace of God with me

Most unexpectedly ran into an old friend today. There were cheerful salutes; not the most pleasant after thoughts.

You know, short-lived greetings and formalities are not necessarily superficial, unless you are putting on a smile just for the sake of it. These become superficial only when there are unresolved troubles masked by the brimming delight. Behind the casual "how are you"s and "see you later"s, there is something that goes unsaid, unaddressed, unsolved... Another shallow exchange, and life goes on with a few days/months/years of that gall gut feeling lingering. In my case, I tend to neglect the problem until it returns to haunt me. A problem such as that tiny thorn that was wedged into our friendship at the end of senior year...

It has grown into one of my many guilt nails that hammered our Lord to the crucifix.

Often had I acted on impulse as a youngin. The occasion still saddens me as I recall, though it was something pitifully small to grieve over after two years. Impatience still inhabits me, though less so in social realm and still/more so in intellectual realm. I am not sure if that's a good thing. Aside from the aforementioned specific case, the bottom line is that I failed in commending myself as a servant of God during my high school career. I worshiped self and lived for self-glorification. I was someone whom I do not wish to understand today.

Today, by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain. As my heart condemns me, I remember that God is greater than my heart and knows all things. In any case, I think I want to make a formal apology to her soon. I do not wish for another swallow of bitter awkwardness when we meet again.

Aside from Scriptural and logical support, I believe this present emotional distress is exactly why we need to confess our sins to others. It keeps one accountable so that he or she does not go on sinning. After all, we do not want to receive God's grace in vain, do we?

I know not why God’s wondrous grace
To me He hath made known,
Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love
Redeemed me for His own.

But I know Whom I have believèd,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day.