Preposterousness

Amidst joy and pain, I carry on.

Registration is such a strange time for me. I am caught between (maybe godly) desire and (definitely ungodly) pride, and am inclined to think about God's will, as well as to resent the system more and more.

Oh school. The educational institution -- this shell of an ideal, this suffocating box imprisons me. I hate the system which shapes my spiritual and social life weekly and dictates what my everyday schedule should look like for the eight months of the year.

Basically, life is so hard for a college student like me. (Sarcasm intended.)

(I mean, seriously Dream. Kids are only dying around the world. Your educational elitism crushes you and comes down on you so hard, doesn't it? What pity!)

If you are wondering about what the fritz all this ambiguous rant is all about, here's a brief-2AM-crap-registration-is-tomorrow explanation of the whole situation:

1. Desire vs. Duty: I really want to take Dr. Sandgren's Paul & Acts class (Wednesday nights from 5-8PM, unfortunately) and History of Christianity (*might* conflict with my Islam class on MW7) class next semester. But I don't have any more room in my schedule with two math electives, Islam, Junior Seminar and Chinese. The goal of bringing to completion two majors and minor on time, drowns out all free time. Fear. (a) the resume looks impressive, good job; it's only Bachelor's degrees for goodness' sake; (b) people might say, "Sheesh, dropping a minor. Does she not know what to do with her courses when it's almost her senior year?"; (c) only three more courses, the end is almost in sight for a minor!; (d) is my desire to take these other religion classes instead of Chinese, going to edify/help me better in the long run? What if I go to China as a missionary?; (e) the unfavorable time period in which the religion courses are offered -- is that indicative of His will at all?

2. Pride vs. Childishness: But at the same time, I ask if my Chinese minor is even necessary or useful for my life. If I dropped Chinese minor, wouldn't that free me up to take whatever class I wanted to (that would possibly edify)? Reasons. (a) two years of Chinese is insufficient to get me going in China; (b) I will have 17 credits each semester of my senior year taking things I don't want to take, which will be miserable; (c) I will most likely be grumbling since I don't enjoy this semester's Chinese class, mainly because of the teacher; (d) a minor is just a line on my resume/diploma and no one really cares except you; (e) nothing is worth enslaving under except Christ.

(I don't know why I laid that out in multiple choice format. I think Walker Percy is secretly affecting me.)

Oh, how I preposterously grapple with desire and pride as I am afraid of being found out. I yearn to know God's will; but I yearn even more for freedom in Christ. To taste freedom which freely flows out of the throne of Grace once I submit and let Jesus Christ be who He is. To be completely and joyfully content to say, 'Give me Christ or else I die.' To be so captivated by the Spirit as to willing lay down all my idols at the holy altar. That is what I yearn for.