So difficult

This week, I've been realizing more and more the crucial personal need for us believers to discuss struggles, doubts, joys and delights beyond social counseling -- to discuss them in a scriptural and genuinely Christ-like manner.

In Daniel Dennett's words, "Do you ever ask yourself: What if I'm wrong? Of course there is a large crowd of others around you who share your conviction, and this distributes -- and alas, dilutes the responsibility."

I so often have longings to engage such doubts and struggles in spiritually real and intellectually honest manner, and I see myself trembling, fearful to move into that realm of honest collectivism even in the community I live in. Everyone seems so delighted with their walk, and I almost always am afraid to penetrate that delicate veil of joyful conviction, to engage and challenge in honesty and truth. Why is this? Do we truly believe that neglect would be more benign? Someone has once rightly said, "Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned."

I do not think it has to be like that. I do not think it should be like that. But nevertheless it seems to be like that, at least in the community I live in. It asphyxiates me. It asphyxiates me to not admit that I am not ok.

If you wish to extend your love for me, in all sincerity, I need more than just "Oh I can relate to that" kind of sympathy, more than just "I will pray for more faith in you" kind of care. I need that. The body needs that. I want to be scripturally, intellectually challenged and spiritually refreshed. I want to commune with the body of Christ, all my hopes and fears laid bare. And please, NOT just on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. Please, NOT just from Pastor Parker and Ryan Fields. I want to see that genuine challenge and thoughtful care happening within the body. Within the family.

I am not trying to be critical. Yes, this post may be hypocritical or critical in itself, but I am not saying (or at least hoping not to say) these things from a critical spirit or a bitter heart. I just think there is this genuine need in every local body that needs to be met, starting from myself. I am sorry if I sound like a whiner, but so many times, I feel that I am alone in this struggle and it makes me feel so helpless and sad.

In short: I want us to be real about our doubts and fears, without being fearful about what others might think about ourselves, or about possibly being offended/offending. If true love indeed protects us, what is the matter?

It's so easy to die alone in an individualistic 21st century church.

I don't want to die alone.

Leave me alone
It's nothing serious
I'll do it myself
It's got naught to do with you
And there's nothing that you could do
- "Cave", Muse