... wake up, read a chapter or two of the Bible, mechanically pray, mindlessly attend classes, put up some artificial smiles, play piano and sing for the substitutionary joy that the sound of music brings to me, converse with the like-minded for the lessening of the guilt, read and write just because that's what I "do", mechanically pray, read, then fall asleep...
Can I break out from the suffocatingly obligatory habits that I have made my communion with Him out to be?
I'm going to abstain from these shameless sacrifices and contemptible burnt offerings until my heart feels right to do so. Not to play some kind of "whatever I am" game, but I'm going to trust that He will do His work. I don't need to feel as if I am "omg omg worst Christian evr" if I miss a quiet time; I don't need to wrestle to reconcile Pauline theology with the Law from day to day; I don't need to struggle to reconcile what men with different academic and religious authorities tell me every freakin' single day. That is not my burden.
Jesus Christ who said, "My yoke is easy and my burden light." I am going to love this man. That is my joyful burden. And until I can realize that with my whole heart and whole mind and whole soul, I'm going to break these habits.
i.e. If it's not too unorthodox, I'm going to take Nietzsche's advice and going to put some will into my life.
"I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself is not what You have required. You search much deeper within through the way things appear -- You're looking into my heart."
How ironic that should be sung.
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