Search me, O God, and know my heart

Unfortunately my thoughts about the subject of the previous post may have receded from my memory, but I can write about something else!

Boy, what a difficult, highly stressful day.

God really has been blessing David and I's upcoming wedding a lot, HUGELY in material things; but I'd also like to say there are HUGE trials that come with material things. They eat you up, and at the end of the day, you are exhausted.

And yes, honestly, giving up myself has been pretty tough during this time. But God has been gracious to me in teaching me patiently through various things/persons/issues I've never encountered before. Praise and thanks be to God.

In regards to a certain issue that I am going through, I am happy to have moved on from the "I am going to have it MY WAY!" thought process. It didn't last long, but I am still glad that I did. Today was hard for a different (but a better) reason; I learned that I cannot please everybody. Still pretty discouraging, but it is a different kind of a trial. But it's ok; God will show up in an even greater way in this situation. And I hope everybody sees it. :-)

[I know, I didn't need to write that in regards to this post, but it just satisfied my self-righteousness to say it.]

Today was discouraging for another reason, and that is why I am writing this post. It sucks when I or other Christian friends of mine do this... and that is to put more focus on the wedding than the marriage itself. To pour your heart and soul out on the temporal than the permanent; to devote and invest so much of your time, money, and energy on the cheap than the valuable (well, I guess the money part can't be helped when you are having a wedding). I am not saying that I am exempt from this internal problem that we all have; but today I was wounded by someone who cared more about her wedding than her friend.

In any case, I am not trying to earn your pity here. I am not here to say she is horrible and I am a saint. I have hurt and probably will continue to hurt people whom I love, because of my selfishness, during these days of preparation. (But may God be gracious to me.) I am too tired to write eloquently, nor do I expect you to sympathize with everything that I write here this day. But when your time comes -- I hope you will remember these truths, and lovingly share them with your loved ones, may they be your fiancé(e), your parents, your siblings, or your friends.

An excerpt from Imitation of Christ, Book I, Ch 22:

"WHEREVER you are, wherever you go, you are miserable unless you turn to God. So why be dismayed when things do not happen as you wish and desire? Is there anyone who has everything as he wishes? No -- neither I, nor you, nor any man on earth. There is no one in the world, be he Pope or king, who does not suffer trial and anguish."

Mark that: "There is no one in the world, be she a bride, who does not suffer trial and anguish!" Satan and our culture tells so much otherwise. "Why be dismayed when things don't go our way?" Thomas à Kempis asks. A bride must not be dismayed... she must give thanks to God for her wonderful life in Christ Jesus, and bring all the glory back to Him! She must love her future husband, her family, her friends and the body of Christ well during this time and consecrate herself to Him. What a high calling she has.

A Kempis continues:

"Who is the better off then? Surely, it is the man who will suffer something for God. Many unstable and weak-minded people say: "See how well that man lives, how rich, how great he is, how powerful and mighty." But you must lift up your eyes to the riches of heaven and realize that the material goods of which they speak are nothing. These things are uncertain and very burdensome because they are never possessed without anxiety and fear. Man's happiness does not consist in the possession of abundant goods; a very little is enough."

Mark that: "See how beautiful she is, how rich, how perfect!" Seriously? But it's funny how much a bride can listen to that sort of lie. I know; it sounds cheap. But I listen to these lies all the time... it is a misery! "These things are uncertain and very burdensome because they are never possessed without anxiety and fear" -- I never understood this so clearly before. Not to curse anything -- but so much can go wrong in this wedding if God wills. He giveth and taketh away. Why cling to such unreliable things of this world, O child of God?

But woe to those who know not their own misery, and greater woe to those who love this miserable and corruptible life. Some, indeed, can scarcely procure its necessities either by work or by begging; yet they love it so much that, if they could live here always, they would care nothing for the kingdom of God.

Ouch! Yet does that ring true in myself? May God see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.

How foolish and faithless of heart are those who are so engrossed in earthly things as to relish nothing but what is carnal! Miserable men indeed, for in the end they will see to their sorrow how cheap and worthless was the thing they loved.

And may I and my brothers and sisters, especially those who are in the preparation of marriage, may not love the cheap and worthless things more than bringing glory to God through their marriages.

The saints of God and all devout friends of Christ did not look to what pleases the body nor to the things that are popular from time to time. Their whole hope and aim centered on the everlasting good. Their whole desire pointed upward to the lasting and invisible realm, lest the love of what is visible drag them down to lower things.

Do not lose heart, then, my brother, in pursuing your spiritual life. There is yet time, and your hour is not past. Why delay your purpose? Arise! Begin at once and say: "Now is the time to act, now is the time to fight, now is the proper time to amend."

How great is the frailty of human nature which is ever prone to evil! Today you confess your sins and tomorrow you again commit the sins which you confessed. One moment you resolve to be careful, and yet after an hour you act as though you had made no resolution.

We have cause, therefore, because of our frailty and feebleness, to humble ourselves and never think anything great of ourselves. Through neglect we may quickly lose that which by God's grace we have acquired only through long, hard labor. What, eventually, will become of us who so quickly grow lukewarm? Woe to us if we presume to rest in peace and security when actually there is no true holiness in our lives. It would be beneficial for us, like good novices, to be instructed once more in the principles of a good life, to see if there be hope of amendment and greater spiritual progress in the future.

And may God give grace and mercy to all.