My story

Recently, I've been piqued to think about what kind of person I have become, and what kind of person I am becoming. Moreover, I think my willingness to share these personal things now testifies to the fact that I am more free (from bondage of Satan and sin) today than I ever was yesterday.

Looking back on last twenty-one years, I must say that God has written a fascinating story of redemption and subsequent growth. Indeed, He alone is the author and perfecter of our salvation, whose creative orchestrations never cease to amaze me. By writing this account I do not seek to boast but to let you see what unique work He has completed in me, and to encourage you to think about your own story, as well.

Growing up as a pastor's kid is quite a circus. Especially in the culture I lived in, you truly are expected to be, by your local body and by the unbelieving world, "perfect." (God forbid, lest a scandal arise in a pastor's home.) And I can say that I was as flawless as a kid can be during my childhood. I learned to read at the age of two as I started to speak, and from thereon I was rarely without books in my hands. My parents taught me how salvation worked before I went to kindergarten. In first grade, at age six, I read two gospels, Matthew and John. I thought it silly that God would put a lot of the same material in the New Testament. I labeled Mark and Luke irrelevant in my studies and moved on.

I accepted Christ as my Savior and Lord somewhere in my childhood. During elementary school I was a quiet kid and never had many friends. I continued to read the Bible &c; I enjoyed it as literature and took its books at their face value.

Although I was a professing Christian, the unbearable weight of my sins, deep down inside, remained. Grief and guilt oppressed my soul. I knew that God was with me and watching me all the time. I felt like a devil child when I sinned willingly and knowingly against His Word, aware of His very presence in me. Unfortunately, my parents did not teach me much of sound doctrine. I thought I was doomed to hell again and again every time I sinned. I was guilt-ridden; miserable, even.

I do not testify to these things to criticize my parents; I understand now that they were busy and probably did not think that theology lessons were necessary for a ten year-old. But this re-emphasizes to me the importance of sound teaching in a Christian's life. I came to know the assurance of my salvation in Christ Jesus at age twelve. During high school years I was bound to prideful legalism which ironically led to the most foul forms of lawlessness, a sense of spiritual deadness which I do not wish to breathe again. I was baptized at age seventeen, but I am pretty sure I was not rightly walking with the Spirit at the time. Many of you know this already, but only in recent years did I come to serve God willingly. God's grace enabled it; and I owe every fibre of my being to Him.

College is a time of intense spiritual growth, but home slows me down. God places me in a new reality as I enter summer, and a huge part of that reality has to do with my family.

There is an interesting unwritten rule which runs among Korean pastors' families -- it requires total silence and confidentiality about anything and everything. You share your struggles with no one. Not to your neighbors; even moreso forbidden to the body of Christ. Strange, isn't it? Now my personal belief is that our leaders should be by far the most vulnerable among the sheep. There is no good pretending to be all right -- rather, the freedom in Christ allows us to freely lay down our burdens before the brethren. Christ did not come to save the righteous but the sinners. The rule of secrecy has impacted a huge part of my past and who I am, but today I am learning even as I continue to break, little by little: "It is really O.K. to be "not ok." (There. See? I did it again just now, trying to find a more elegant way to say that. The sin of pride strives to dry up my veins every single moment.)

So I admit to you right now that our family is not perfect. We are a big family of sinners, who are all in dire need of a Savior. Moving to America -- though I fully trust in God's plans -- certainly brought many trials and hardships. The language barrier prevents my parents from not only communicating with the outside world but especially from speaking reasonably with their children. In addition, they enjoy even a lesser degree of freedom in "baring souls" before the brethren. Christians need Christians; our leaders especially so. But during the past nine years they have not enjoyed a long-term, real Christian fellowship, partly due to the dwindling number of true Christians in the Korean community, and other reason being their language barrier. Today, they do not have any Christian friends to open their hearts up to. The awkward reality has stunted their growth a lot, and this makes me very sad.

Will the church understand? The members of our congregation will never fathom. Materialism has most unfortunately enslaved many Korean immigrants (in many cases, pastors also) in this country. The church has become more of an empty shell of a social organization based on ethnic ties than an actively living organism of Christ's universal church. People go to churches on Sunday mornings to hear inspiring speeches about how God loves them and how He will make their paths straight. It is not just the prosperity gospel I am criticizing here. Neither am I addressing the lack of hellfire preaching. All I'm saying is that there is so much more to the Gospel of Jesus Christ! The mankind is totally wretched and utterly rotten, yet God in love sent His only Son to die so that we might experience the richness and fullness of eternal life! The Gospel is not an ambiguous hope for immortality of disembodied souls after physical death; it is a certain fact that we will reign with the Son of God, basking in His glory for eternity! It is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, the only source of true joy and peace amidst the overwhelming sea of trials that so easily drown us. It is the power of God; It is the hope of the world.

I do not have the wisdom to fix all the problems in my world; only God has the power to, the wisdom to, the will to and I can only pray by the Holy Spirit who enables me. When I come home to find a sister turned atheist and a brother gone wild (neither of which surprise me, by the way), when I turn to find a weary mother and a sad father, real Christian fellowship strengthens me. Although they are imperfect just like me, the realness of the life they are experiencing is truly encouraging, and I thank God that I have such a luxury of genuine fellowship (and you should too).

Maybe one day, by the grace and the power of God, I will thank Him for the work that He has done in my family (pray for us.); but I thank Him today, for I turn around and see how He has brought me all the crazy experiences and has wrought me with such unique talents so that He might complete working in me for His glory. All for this one atrocious insect, so easily squashable in the infinitude of the universe -- this one single rebel, so erasable before the radiant glory of the Holy Living God. In Jesus Christ is Love that forgets all my fears, failures, and the ugliest of my sins. His Gospel is why I can only forget my self, trust in His mercy and press on to tomorrow.

Thank You Father for loving me unconditionally.

Thank You Jesus Christ for taking me as Your own.

Thank You Holy Spirit for effectuating my salvation.

Amen.

"To me, the very least of all saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unfathomable riches of Christ, and to bring to light what is the administration of the mystery which for ages has been hidden in God who created all things, so that the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known through the church to the rulers and the authorities in the heavenly places.

This was in accordance with the eternal purpose which He carried out in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and confident access through faith in Him. Therefore I ask you not to lose heart at my tribulations on your behalf, for they are your glory.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen."

(Eph 3:8-21)